"The A La Carte Canape" prepared by The Shit Chef

Let me start off by saying that I am known as an experienced, even expert foodie.  I serve up exquisite platters of nontraditional flavor combinations that world renowned chefs such as Mario Batali and Rachel Ray only dream of concocting. Many critics refer to me as “The Combination King”, “The Sandwich Sultan”, or “The Prince of Panini Production”. Upon seeing my wide array of premium ingredients in my college fridge and infinite selection of imported seasonings in my dresser drawer, a friend rightly states, “Someday you will prepare sustenance for the gods”.

                Now, as I previously implied, I specialize in unorthodox dishes (mostly light, well balanced sandwiches). I live to combine a variety of expensive meat cuts, aged cheeses, freshly picked veggies, and home-made condiments between baked breads to generate my famous club sandwiches. Today you will all be graced with the presentation of one of my many secret recipes: “The a la Carte Canapé”. Thank me later.

                I begin the sandwich with two lightly toasted slices of one of my most cherished ingredients: Wonder Bread. This soft loaf does not lack flavor, and is the heart of the creation. Next, I lather the bottom toast with my divine condiment creation; it includes mayonnaise, ranch dressing, sweet relish, a dollop of YumYum sauce, salt, pepper, more salt (YOLO), ketchup, and finally dashes of Frank’s Red Hot to taste.

                Let’s discuss meat selection. A key component to a sandwich of this caliber is the well balanced, meaty flavor. I start with the pork. Fold 4 slices of ham (water added variety only) on top of the condiments  (be sure to avoid including the salty, distasteful fattening cut of the pig: Bacon). Then I add two slices of bologna and one light scoop of spam for texture. Add ground beef or hamburger. Don’t forget about the light meats. After all, the sandwich is considered a well balanced snack. Choose from your choice of turkey and chicken cold cuts (I prefer to add both).

                Egg and cheese are a must for all of my creations. These ingredients are necessary because the sandwich needs protein and a small amount of fat. For the A La Carte, I crack one egg into a bowl, scramble it, and add salt and pepper. Next, I place two slices of provolone on top. The next part is important. You need to hone in on your inner chef senses and find the correct balance of heat level and time for your microwave. Cook it too long and the egg and cheese will make a mess in the microwave (not cooking the egg long enough may make the sandwich distasteful and/or cause vomiting/food poisoning. The microwave will not be the only hot mess).

                Now we move on to produce. It is imperative to include dill and sweet pickled cucumbers, black and green olives (soaked in salt, obviously), caramelized red onion (use canola oil to caramelize), and sauerkraut. Optional additions include fresh tomatoes and lettuce.

                Scrape the rest of the home-made sauce onto the other slice of toasted wonder bread, place the toast on top, and add a toothpick to hold the finger sandwich together. Voila! Your first of many decadent delights. You’re Welcome?